I had been in on and off
depression the last few weeks, and I was not sure why. I had no reason to be
depressed; I thought it's just my brain telling me that I was in desperate need
of a break. A break from what?
I believed I needed a break from everyone. All of them; not just a select few. I have it in my mindset that I can take anything; any insult, any attack, and any feelings that might destroy me. I know I can't, but at the same time I feel I should. I believe that is where most of my frustration came in from.
Anger: a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire. -Dictionary.com. I'm not quite sure what belligerence means, but I'm well aware of displeasure. I felt it almost every day, though I'm not sure where it was from. I usually felt this 'displeasure' toward myself, for not reaching someone’s expectations or simply having the urge to strangle someone while I'm holding them underwater.
I believe another source of my anger is from some of my peers. I know I get angry easily, and it's something I need to work on. But what doesn't help is when they all treat me different when I'm mad. And even when I'm hanging around them, I still feel like I'm not supported enough to do anything right. Like I'm just the person who's going to be there to support, since it seems like I have an unending supply of support. I want to tell them about it, but then I'll feel like I'm being a burden, which I have been forbidden to do.
Confusion: lack of clearness or distinctness. I believe that my confusion arises from the mood swings I'm dealt with; in my head, in my feelings, and in those around me. I am often confused on what kind of person I'm supposed to be; whether I'm supposed to be strong, weak, childish, grown-up, caring, distant, or like a normal teenage girl, which I feel I am not.
I believed I needed a break from everyone. All of them; not just a select few. I have it in my mindset that I can take anything; any insult, any attack, and any feelings that might destroy me. I know I can't, but at the same time I feel I should. I believe that is where most of my frustration came in from.
Anger: a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire. -Dictionary.com. I'm not quite sure what belligerence means, but I'm well aware of displeasure. I felt it almost every day, though I'm not sure where it was from. I usually felt this 'displeasure' toward myself, for not reaching someone’s expectations or simply having the urge to strangle someone while I'm holding them underwater.
I believe another source of my anger is from some of my peers. I know I get angry easily, and it's something I need to work on. But what doesn't help is when they all treat me different when I'm mad. And even when I'm hanging around them, I still feel like I'm not supported enough to do anything right. Like I'm just the person who's going to be there to support, since it seems like I have an unending supply of support. I want to tell them about it, but then I'll feel like I'm being a burden, which I have been forbidden to do.
Confusion: lack of clearness or distinctness. I believe that my confusion arises from the mood swings I'm dealt with; in my head, in my feelings, and in those around me. I am often confused on what kind of person I'm supposed to be; whether I'm supposed to be strong, weak, childish, grown-up, caring, distant, or like a normal teenage girl, which I feel I am not.
But then comes the month of
February. I feel so much better. I have realized no matter what, my true
friends stick by me. They do not demean me to make themselves feel good nor do
they leave when I am a complete mess. They have given me enough initiative to
see that I am not worthless; I do have a part to play in the world no matter
how insignificant it seems. I feel like I can do anything and most importantly
I feel like I am back to being myself… so here I write just to say to hell with
you people who do not care about me. To hell with the people whose purpose in
life is to say I won’t amount to anything. After all as my best friend states:
haters will hate.
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